Trusting Him.

My immediate response to the Boston Marathon bombs

was fear.

Fear of war.

Fear of the future.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of bombs.

Fear of death.

I had all my usual tendencies upon hearing the news.

The searching for more details, more news, more info.

The fear plots & plans 

of how wars were going to break out 

or more bombs would start going off.

All those rabbit trails of fear.

But then.

I took all that fear

& 

I punched it in the face.

Okay.

Let me rephrase.

I was reminded by the sweet Spirit, 

that

He is Lord.

And to that I proclaim,

I trust Him.

I trust Him with His plans for my life. 

For Zachary's life. 

For all those I love lives'. 

I trust Him

I trust the purposes He's created me for & the steps ahead of me that He's prepared for me to walk in. 

I trust Him with the number of breaths I have remaining. 

I trust Him with the trials we will face. The despair, the pain and the suffering.

I trust Him with the means of how I will die.

How Zachary will die. 

I trust Him.

And

This is HUGE for me.

The proclamation of trust that comes from my lips but has invaded my heart is huge.

It's monumental.

It's rebirth.

In the midst of all this anxiety & life filled with fear, 

I've realized that 

I spoke trust in my lips 

but felt none in my heart

and saw none in my actions.

But now,

today, 

I mean it.

I trust Him.

And I used to fear saying  and Proclaiming that.

Even now the tendency to fear what I have typed rises in me.

Because I used to think that I was writing for myself some tragic, yet beautiful, tragedy.

Like I was a muse to The PlayRite. 

That my proclamation of trust would evoke

God to include me in one of those ironic, tragedy filled, films.

I dreamed that days later, after I'd been dead, someone would find my journal or read my blog,

& find peace & solace.

They would feel content at my death.

Because, after all, I had just wrote how I accepted it. Trusted God with it.

They would question if somehow I knew I was about to die.

All of that fear, the fear of not truly trusting God with my fear, stemmed from a lie.

A lie of who God is.

In that lie, I failed to recognize who God was.

Jesus came, and in His death & resurrection

gave us confidence.

He showed us how trustworthy the Father was.

And how good and loving He always is.
And He defeated death, removing all barriers between Him & us.

God longs that we come before Him,

and surrender all fears.

"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord,

I say, 'You are my God.' 

My times are in Your hand.

Deliver me from the hand of my enemies & those who persecute me.

Make your face to shine upon Your servant;

Save me in Your lovingkindness."

Psalm 31:14-16

Also,
one day when I die,
hell,
I hope my family and friends and grandchildren, God willing,
read this and do find peace & solace.
Not because I wrote it
but because
it's a reminder {I pray} that God is good.
And trustworthy.
And I hope, one day, they'll all trust Him,
 even with my death.

Readers,

I love you.

I hope you have a good day today!