Please Get Out of Our Bed

Aren't spider bites just the worst?? 

 This morning I woke up with not one but two in my arm.
Not in my arm, on.
Now that would be something really bad, right?

Now this IS the worst, waking up with spider bites, that is. 
Because that means some eight leg monster was crawling through your bed with out your consent. AND not only has he been crawling through your bed but he crawled on you!
This picture has nothing to do with this post. 
But I figured I'd get zero clicks if I posted tons of spider pictures on here. 
I know. I'm a marketing genius.

Spider bites leave so many questions.
What kind of spider was it?!
A big one? A small one?
A poisonous one?
Was it a brown recluse and in a week or two I'll have a gaping hole in my arm?? 

It's bad when you have two bites. 
Because that means that bugger took one bite, like what he tasted, so he had another.

If he liked it, does that mean he's hiding out somewhere waiting for his stomach to digest what he got, neigh, stole, and eager for his next opportunity to chomp? 
Which brings you to your next spider bite question.

Do they eat what they bite??
Do they have a taste for human flesh?
If not, why the heck bite me, dude? I was just sleeping. Non threatening. Just chilling out.

OR, did he bite me because I was a giant, sleeping threat,
and he wanted to weaken my offenses while he could?

With spider bites you almost never see the perpetrator.
 If any of you have actually seen a spider bite you I will give you an over the top gasp of shock. 

And let's not even talk about if the spiders a she.
 I've been comfortably leaving it as a he through this post but, okay, let's go there. 
She spiders lay like a gazillions eggs, right? I mean hello?! Where's her lair?! If its anywhere near our bed, I'm moving. And right when those babies hatch, what do you think they'll want?
 That's right, food. Or flesh! 

Also, the thing about spider bites is that the more you think about them the more you start itching everywhere, convinced that spiders are crawling on you about to bite. 
Like right now, I have an imaginary spider on my stomach, behind my ear and somewhere in my hair. 

Ah! Spiders in your hair. That might actually be the worst. It's like a jungle in there! If you have alot of hair, like me, you've probably had multiple episodes where someone noticed a spider or bug crawling on the outside of your hair.
Not because you have bad hygiene or something, on the contrary you could have just done your hair beautifully for an hour, when the said spider/bug was seen in your hair.
Again, not because of bad hygiene 
but because your hair is like a giant net.
Exhibit A. Possible spider jungle.
Also, where the heck am I looking in this pic? It weirds me out. 
So, someone points out they see a spider or bug in your hair, usually the back where you can't see and are helpless, and so, you start shrieking telling them to get it out.
Or it's in the front and you do the lean thing to keep it as far away from your face as possible
and to be able to keep your eye on it.
So your gracious friend attempts to get it out.
There are two friends in this category, the ones that swats, or the saints,
 the ones that meticulously grab it out.
Either one, they're life savers. 
It's a really good day when it falls out, on to the ground and you get to look it in the eyes and smash it. 
But it's the worst when you hear that phrase,
"I think it's out."
What do you mean, 'you think?!!!??!?'
Could it not have burrowed itself in to the shelter of your hair and is now not on the outside, but has really entered the jungle that is your hair, ready to be lost all up in there, for ever. 
That's enough to make me shave my head. 

Well anyways the hubs just walked in with Starbucks so I gotta go 
Here's cheers to no spider bites for you tonight. 
Happy sleeping! 

**As a side note, I asked Zachary who he thought the most attractive male actor is and he said, "Richard Geere" or "Vin Diesel." So, the first picture was approved by him.**


Jenn said...

Omg this post actually made me LOL :-) Spiders freak me out big time and I actually woke up once -years ago- with one on my face. A big one. Scarred me for life, obviously! Hopefully your intruder has left and gone on his merry way haha!

Kahleel Hamilton said...

I'm going to have to go with Richard Gere.
Funny post!!! I don't mind spiders but it would be not so fun if they were crawling on me in the night. Eeekkk!

Anonymous said...

This is really funny, Heather! But EW! I would totally hate waking up to spider bites. I know exactly what you're saying about jungle hair. I'm so afraid a bug is going to crawl out of mine someday. Oh, and I love your blog!

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