4.14.2014

Only in China

Only in China will you find people sleeping on curbs, in the middle of side walks and on metal wires.
Only in China... 
Will you see incredibly old people doing manual labor for new buildings, construction projects and landscaping.
Will you learn the signs of a man that's about to go pee. You see that back turn, the taxi pull over, the creepy walk to the corner, or the walk towards the tree, and you just know, look away, he's gonna pee, AND then he's going to turn around while simultaneously stuffing it back in, (they don't unzip, they just pull out), and if you're super unlucky and don't catch all the signs before hand, you're gonna get a good view of his thing-a-majing. 
will you get free corn juice when you buy a bottle of orange juice. 
Only in China will you constantly hear the hawking sound of gurgling down deep to get all the loogies up to spit out anywhere at any time. Even the ladies do this. It's sexy.
Will you put your hand in a giant blob of earwax on the bus.
Will you have an old man randomly start rubbing oil on your back on a crowded bus.
Will you be on all forms of social media from strangers snapping pictures of you.
Will your students say they saw you on the internet singing and playing guitar, because someone you don't know nor do your students know,  recorded you a week ago while you sang "We love Jesus" on the guitar at an Easter party. 
Will you so easily go viral on the local internet. 
Will cars park on the sidewalk.
Will cars drive any direction, in any lane, on any street. 
Will your students try to jump out the window or stab their class mate with a knife and be allowed back at school the next day. 
Will you see your Chinese friends get uber excited about their mail containing a bag of duck tongues. 
Will you see babies to 9 year olds pooping and peeing in public. 
Will you see faded Santa Claus heads decorating stores and restaurants in the middle of July. 
Will you be able to drink 3 Dick wine made out of 3 different animal penises. 
Will you get glared at while pregnant for eating ice cream.
Will you not be able to see out your window because of smog.
Will you be able to buy the counterfeit of any brand you could ever think of. 
Will you be treated to dinner by so many amazing and generous people. 
Will you be gifted with teas upon Chinese teas. 
Only in China will you see a  motorcycle loaded 10 feet wide by 10 feet high. 
Will you be able to buy underpants for fat men.
Will beaches be this crowded
Will you be able to shop in what appears to be a hazardous waste zone.
Will you be haunted if you peel an apple in one piece in front of the mirror at midnight.
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2 comments :

Clmowl said...

I love this, it made me laugh so much! But i've gotta say, a lot of this can be said for Japan and South Korea too :)

chalayn said...

Wow.... I don't even know where to start with this one. Duck tongues? Duck penises? Man penises being stuffed back in after peeing in public? How terrible does it smell there, honestly?

And I love that you're a local celeb. ;) Sounds like it's always an adventure over in China.

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