I Miss You

I miss you. I can't believe you're gone. It sucks & it's weird. Right now that's my word, it's weird. I think that's what they call that stage of grief called shock. It must be & feel something like this. It's weird to think that you're not here. That you're not at the lake. That you're not listening to music. That you're not making some joke. That you're not creating some thing more beautiful or something new. That your gone. But you're not gone though. You're so here. You're ever present in my mind. I can't stop thinking about you. Every thing I think of, I think of you. "Let's have Korean bbq. My dad would love Korean bbq." "Wow, that head scratcher feels good. My dad would like that." Silly stuff like that, and then all the memories. All the good ones. I think about you in the future, like, "I can't wait to have a bbq or ya, we should get sushi." I think of a place that we were once at together and then, this overwhelming feeling of anxiety fills my chest and stomach. And I bawl. I bawl. That must be the stage of grief called acceptance. I weep because you're gone. But the you're not and it's this weird paradox we're living where your body has failed but you're so fresh in my mind. In all of our minds. You're so alive. So free.

You're treasured. Every memory is a treasure. A gift. Your life, a gift. Gosh, I wish I could hug you and tell you that.

Today, my students made you cards. They wrote "I love you Shaun!" And drew pictures of Buck with 3 legs. They drew you rowing a boat. I told them you liked to be on boats. To them that meant rowing one. They drew the things you liked. I told them about you. I love these little pictures they drew & I loved seeing their little hands write your name, Shaun. My daddy. I kept thinking, "I should have done this when he was living." Though it probably one have been quite strange to you to receive little cards about yourself from random kids in China. ha! It would be a predicament. They're nice and all, but what do you do with them? Do you hang them on the fridge? You don't even know these kids but yet, you don't want to throw them away! You know, maybe this was the perfect time for my little kiddies to draw you cards & write your name. It was like healing balm to my heart.
Daddy, you'd be so humbled and encouraged by all the amazing things people are saying about you. Man, people loved love you. Every one has stories about how kind & helpful you were. How you take kids under your wing. How you love serving people. How you always come to the rescue. I used to say you were like Superman. You really were in so many peoples lives.

 People are giving to help pay for your funeral. Out of love for you, out of love for your life. If ever you lost hope in humanity, and the love in people's hearts, or the great, great love God has for you, take hope. I have seen God's hands in words & love, in the generosity of so many people since you have passed. All of our face book pages are basically going viral, out of love and out of the desire to share ounces of hope, words of prayer & words of love and life.

I already know, your funeral is going to be bursting at the seams. I just know it. Because you're just so stinkin' loved. I hope you knew how loved you were. I pray you did. I pray you can see it now.

We get to go home the first time in 3 years. I wish I was going home to see you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could crawl into your arms like a little girl. That's what I'm wanting these days,
to just act like a little girl, and let you be my daddy.

I love you fascha. I miss you more than you could ever know. I'm so, so very grateful for the time we had & that you were my father.

1 comment :

chalayn said...

Oh, Heather. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I pray that the Lord will carry you through this and that you will be comforted (as much as possible) by the love of those around you. Again, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

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