I gained 20 lbs in Asia
That's right. I gained 20 pounds while living in Asia. I'll wait for the gasps. Gasp. I know. In the land of the skinnies, this girl gained 20 lbs, a whole Chinese 5 year old or something.
How did I do it? How did I do the impossible? Did I eat a Chinese 5 year old? Did I eat all of my coworkers lunches every day?
Well no, no I didn't. Let me let you in on my 5 point, how to gain 20 pounds in Asia, secrets.
1. Get a full time, 40+ hour a week job, teaching grade 1, 2 and 3. This will ensure that you are extra, super tired at the end of the day, leaving you no time to work out and little time to cook healthy.
2. Get a cold or sinus infection once a month for 2 weeks, further disabling you from starting any healthy routines. Because of those 240+ kids mentioned above, that are just swarming with the creepy crawlies, you'll most likely get sick atleast once a month.
3. Develop an anxiety disorder and have your first panic attack while working out. This will help keep you in that "no working out" for a year+ mindset that you really need to pack on the pounds.
4. Develop a Starbucks' Green Tea Latte with whip cream addiction. Wait until your husband goes out of town for a week, so you're extra mopey, and in need of comfort foods. Since he's out of town this also prevents him from putting boundaries on your Starbucks spending, which allows you to really drink all the green tea lattes you want. Don't even worry about getting nonfat milk and sugar free syrup, I tried that every time, and here I am 20 pounds heavier. On second thought, do get the nonfat milk and sugar free syrup, because if not maybe you'll be writing a how to gain 25 pounds in Asia post. Continue this green tea latte habit for a whole year.
5. Get a real paycheck & live around super awesome Western food restaurants while living in Asia. A real paycheck enables you to actually eat at the super awesome Western food resturants and the super awesome Western food resturants will enable you to eat fattening Western food when ever you want. The "in Asia" part is also really important because that small little clause will put you in a weird mindset where you think eating burgers and french fries is the thing to do because supposedly you can't get them in Asia, and well, if you can't get them, you better eat them when you can, even though you never ate them or were interested in them in America.
And as a bonus,
Go gluten free for 4 months and then eat gluten for a whole week. This will give you a good 5 lbs, to add to the 20 goal.
And there you have it. My 5+ secrets, my herbs and spices if you will, of gaining 20 pounds while in Asia.
If you are interested in how to loose 20 pounds in Asia, just do the opposite of all the above, and you'll be good to go.
**If you're a 40+ hour a week workin', surrounded by kids doin', paycheck gettin', once a month sicklin', nonfat sugar free green tea latte drinkin', kind of girl and still managing to not gain 20 pounds, please, please for the love of this post and all it's snark, keep your comments to yourself, but please, please for the love of these thighs, email me all your secrets-I'll be sure to include them in my upcoming "how to loose" posts!**